i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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