i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
