That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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