I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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