who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
