I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
