so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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