I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
