You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
