I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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