How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
