I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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