Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so let's talk penis.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
