When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
