The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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