ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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