I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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