His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
