He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
