the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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