Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
