she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
