How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
