What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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