Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
