It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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