Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
