he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
