I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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