DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
