My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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