I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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