I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
