So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
