I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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