my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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