she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
