five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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