Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
