Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
