He uses pillows to masturbate.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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