i think my mom watched the whole time
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
