Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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