So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
