Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
