I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
