I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
True college students do jello shots in the library
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