how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
