just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
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By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"