i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?