he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
