oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
