I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We need to get me chipped asap
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
