so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
