My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
